Anxiety, in Real Time


Usually I like to write posts after something has happened in my life – be it big, little, funny, or serious – and offer reflection and perspective on perhaps what I’ve learned or why it meant something to me.

But for this post, I’m writing from smack dab in the middle of the show, at center stage, only able to share what this moment feels like instead of offering any sage observations.

Over a month ago, my husband applied for a job within his company that would – if offered to him – take us from Texas to Virginia.  That’s a stressful enough scenario without considering that we just moved three years ago from Oregon to Texas, *and* our oldest daughter will be starting her senior year in a new school if we move.  I think that qualifies as “upping the ante” just a bit.

Two weeks ago, my husband was asked to interview for the job.  10 days ago he had what he described as possibly the best interview in his 10 years with this company.  It was that good.  His closing question to them:  What’s your timeline?  I have a wife and five kids eager to know what the future holds.  He was assured that the position needed to be filled “yesterday” and that they would have a decision in just a couple of days.

We waited through the long holiday weekend and were so desperate for a distraction we actually took all five kids to Chuck E Cheese’s!  (actually, that day was quite fun)

Then we waited through each consecutive day last week – first eager, then anxious, and finally a little juvenile in our whines and rants over not hearing.

Every time I left the house, I wondered if or how I would hear the news.  Would my husband bother calling me at the gym?  Or would he wait until I got home?  Would he put on a poker face during the day, only to have us gathered at the table for dinner and then pronounce the news?

My oldest daughter texted me every day from school:  Has Dad heard anything yet?  It was the first question on their lips when I picked each child up from school.

My daughter has enrollment night for next year at the high school on Tuesday.  Sign-ups for Fall preschool are closing.  Another daughter wants to register for a week-long camp this summer.  My older son wants to do Spring soccer.

I DON’T KNOW if we’ll be here for any of these things!  Or if we still are, will I be packing?  Will I be too busy and stressed to add one more thing into my schedule?

We’ve had many kind friends and family members say Whatever happens, it will be what’s right for your family.

YES, I KNOW THAT.  I appreciate the concern and encouragement, and I wholeheartedly agree with them.  But I just want to know what “IT” is.  I have several metaphorical forks in my road, and I need to make some decisions…like…NOW.

So tomorrow starts another week, and I’m not sure I’ve dreaded any other Monday like I’m dreading tomorrow.  Because I know it will all begin again.  Watching the phone, putting off decisions, not wanting to leave the house, stalling the kids a little longer, and just waiting….waiting…waiting.

I’m reminded that I’ve never been especially doubtful about WHY things in life happen the way they do – I have faith in God’s will.  But clearly, I need to develop a little more faith in the WHEN of things.