Anxiety, in Real Time


Usually I like to write posts after something has happened in my life – be it big, little, funny, or serious – and offer reflection and perspective on perhaps what I’ve learned or why it meant something to me.

But for this post, I’m writing from smack dab in the middle of the show, at center stage, only able to share what this moment feels like instead of offering any sage observations.

Over a month ago, my husband applied for a job within his company that would – if offered to him – take us from Texas to Virginia.  That’s a stressful enough scenario without considering that we just moved three years ago from Oregon to Texas, *and* our oldest daughter will be starting her senior year in a new school if we move.  I think that qualifies as “upping the ante” just a bit.

Two weeks ago, my husband was asked to interview for the job.  10 days ago he had what he described as possibly the best interview in his 10 years with this company.  It was that good.  His closing question to them:  What’s your timeline?  I have a wife and five kids eager to know what the future holds.  He was assured that the position needed to be filled “yesterday” and that they would have a decision in just a couple of days.

We waited through the long holiday weekend and were so desperate for a distraction we actually took all five kids to Chuck E Cheese’s!  (actually, that day was quite fun)

Then we waited through each consecutive day last week – first eager, then anxious, and finally a little juvenile in our whines and rants over not hearing.

Every time I left the house, I wondered if or how I would hear the news.  Would my husband bother calling me at the gym?  Or would he wait until I got home?  Would he put on a poker face during the day, only to have us gathered at the table for dinner and then pronounce the news?

My oldest daughter texted me every day from school:  Has Dad heard anything yet?  It was the first question on their lips when I picked each child up from school.

My daughter has enrollment night for next year at the high school on Tuesday.  Sign-ups for Fall preschool are closing.  Another daughter wants to register for a week-long camp this summer.  My older son wants to do Spring soccer.

I DON’T KNOW if we’ll be here for any of these things!  Or if we still are, will I be packing?  Will I be too busy and stressed to add one more thing into my schedule?

We’ve had many kind friends and family members say Whatever happens, it will be what’s right for your family.

YES, I KNOW THAT.  I appreciate the concern and encouragement, and I wholeheartedly agree with them.  But I just want to know what “IT” is.  I have several metaphorical forks in my road, and I need to make some decisions…like…NOW.

So tomorrow starts another week, and I’m not sure I’ve dreaded any other Monday like I’m dreading tomorrow.  Because I know it will all begin again.  Watching the phone, putting off decisions, not wanting to leave the house, stalling the kids a little longer, and just waiting….waiting…waiting.

I’m reminded that I’ve never been especially doubtful about WHY things in life happen the way they do – I have faith in God’s will.  But clearly, I need to develop a little more faith in the WHEN of things.

  • Anonymous

    I will pray for you Stacey. Not about the job, but for YOU. I know what it is like to need to *know* how something is going to turn out. I know what is is like to experience that anxiety. I am praying for God to just put some peace in your heart today, for you to be able to just breathe, and do the things that need to be done. You can hope you’ll be going, but you need to live for now like you are staying and do those necessary things.
    Hugs to you my friend! And make sure to get to the gym, the endorphins will help with some of that frustration!
    Get enough sleep

  • Not knowing is the worst. Hang in there!

  • Ack sorry wish I could say I had no clue what you felt like but we experienced that about 3 years ago right after Little Miss A was born. Try not to think about it….although I know it’s easier said than done and things will work out one way or another. xoxo

  • I spent my sophomore year of high school like this…never wanting to commit to anything that was farther than 3 weeks away. My dad HAD a job in Oregon but for some reason the start date kept getting pushed later. It was so frustrating. I feel for you!

  • Jessica Rosenberg

    Urgggggg How frustrating! Especially since he clearly told them you needed to know sooner rather than later. Any way to call and ask what the status of the decision making process is?

    So sorry you’re hanging in limbo like that.

  • Nickiwoo Thehomeguru

    Oh, this is the fun part of life.

    The part where you know you’re really living. Where hope and anticipation springs up everywhere, but uncertainty is like the cherry on the top. Like the day before Christmas, who knows what will happen, but whatever does, it’ll be great.

    Good Luck to you and yours wherever your adventure takes you.