I’ve tried to write this post four times now without sounding like I am going out of my mind. I’m not succeeding.
Bottom line: I am growing so weary of having to borrow someone else’s time in order to catch a break for myself. I want the chance to breath without having to find an acceptable substitute to stand in my place. There’s just no one else to do all the things that I need to do, especially not with this lifestyle where my husband is gone SO MUCH, even when he’s home. It’s hard to always have to ARRANGE for an opportunity to regroup.
There’s the funniest line from a new Five for Fighting song called Hope: “When you’re burning on fire / but have no desire / to put out the flames and move…”. I guess the only thing that’s funny about it is that I totally understand the feeling. You get so overwhelmed that you don’t want to muster the common sense it takes to put everything into place and get yourself right. Instead, you’re just wishing someone would come with a bucket of water and put out the flames for you. And then let you fall into a thousand tiny pieces while you heal.
I express these kinds of things and worry about people being overly concerned, but yesterday I spoke with a woman at church who gave me the best comfort I’ve received recently about being so overwhelmed. And it wasn’t comfort, necessarily, but more of a confirmation. She rattled off all the things I am dealing with right now: a husband who is frequently gone/unavailable, an independent toddler, a newly-16 year old girl, three kids in between – including one who is on crutches and not only cannot help at home, but needs help herself, a new puppy, and being far from family and home, etc. She just simply said: WOW, THAT’S HARD. No pity, no trying to solve it, just the recognition that yeah, I have a lot going on. It felt nice to not have to seem to unfazed by it. Because trust me I AM FAZED.
I know that some day I won’t have to check if the coast is clear for me to go to the bathroom, take a nap, run to the grocery store. I hang on to that knowledge. Because right now – when I can’t seem to do ANYTHING without waiting for a green light first – it’s really all I have.