Borrowed Time


 I’ve tried to write this post four times now without sounding like I am going out of my mind.  I’m not succeeding.

Bottom line:  I am growing so weary of having to borrow someone else’s time in order to catch a break for myself.  I want the chance to breath without having to find an acceptable substitute to stand in my place.  There’s just no one else to do all the things that I need to do, especially not with this lifestyle where my husband is gone SO MUCH, even when he’s home.  It’s hard to always have to ARRANGE for an opportunity to regroup. 

There’s the funniest line from a new Five for Fighting song called Hope:  “When you’re burning on fire / but have no desire / to put out the flames and move…”.  I guess the only thing that’s funny about it is that I totally understand the feeling.  You get so overwhelmed that you don’t want to muster the common sense it takes to put everything into place and get yourself right.  Instead, you’re just wishing someone would come with a bucket of water and put out the flames for you.  And then let you fall into a thousand tiny pieces while you heal.

I express these kinds of things and worry about people being overly concerned, but yesterday I spoke with a woman at church who gave me the best comfort I’ve received recently about being so overwhelmed.  And it wasn’t comfort, necessarily, but more of a confirmation.  She rattled off all the things I am dealing with right now:  a husband who is frequently gone/unavailable, an independent toddler, a newly-16 year old girl, three kids in between – including one who is on crutches and not only cannot help at home, but needs help herself, a new puppy, and being far from family and home, etc.  She just simply said:  WOW, THAT’S HARD.  No pity, no trying to solve it, just the recognition that yeah, I have a lot going on.  It felt nice to not have to seem to unfazed by it.  Because trust me I AM FAZED.

I know that some day I won’t have to check if the coast is clear for me to go to the bathroom, take a nap, run to the grocery store.  I hang on to that knowledge.  Because right now – when I can’t seem to do ANYTHING without waiting for a green light first – it’s really all I have.

  • I also love when someone acknowledges the fact that it is hard to live away from family (among all of the rest of the things you are dealing with). I am the only one in my family who moved far away and, while I love not having to be part of the family drama sometimes, I really wish sometimes that someone in my family was around for me to depend on. When we lived in Calgary we knew some families who had their parents on the other side of town (granted, in Calgary, that is like an hour away) but they hardly ever saw them!! If my family was within 3 or 4 hours I am sure I would see them VERY frequently and use them to help when I just can’t handle things!! I feel a little of your pain! 🙂
    .-= Amy Christensen´s last blog ..Abby’s Princess Party =-.

  • Amen Stacey.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..2 day weekend in the snow + 3 snow days out of school = =-.