I had an ugly mom moment this morning, which led to a profound revelation.
Our toddler woke up at 3am, ready for the day. My confusion was staggering. As was I, given that I had just gone to bed 2.5 hours before he woke.
He wasn’t fussy or irritable, just really energetic and wanting to play. I wasn’t feeling game.
I wanted to shout, “Why don’t you sleep?!” But instead I just grumbled and barked at him to stop jumping on the couch, sit down, let’s quietly watch this show until it’s time to get everyone up for the day.
I spent the next few hours with my face in a scowl and my shoulders in a knot, until I realized what I was feeling.
I was MAD at my 18 month old son. I was so, so angry.
Which made me immediately feel very stupid. And sad, and upset with myself.
I realized that I needed to forgive my son for needing me in the way he did; otherwise, I was going to be stuck in this nasty rut all day, and not able to look at him with the love and caring that he deserved.
I want to say something: I think it’s natural for a mother to get angry and resentful at her kids. I don’t think moms should be ashamed of this necessarily, but definitely uncomfortable enough with their behavior to want to change.
I think moms need to start by showing forgiveness and letting go of their anger towards these little people who rely on our sacrafices to find their way. If it’s not enough to fix this internally, then talk to someone, get out of the house, change up your routine a little bit. Anything to knock your attention away from your anger and regain your focus and perspective.
Right now my son is upstairs in his crib, kicking the walls with gusto. It seems he doesn’t want to nap. I feel that now familiar rise of frustration, but I’m going to try to face it, let it go, and focus on loving my son.