All days are not predictable, static things. Some days begin one way, morph into something else altogether, and then maybe even fold back in on themselves.
Today was supposed to be our ultrasound – a date circle and starred and highlighted on the calendar. Our 13yr old was to miss the first half of school to come with us, and I had promised the other 3 kids that I would meet them for lunch at school and tell them what we had found out about the baby. But at 7:30am the dr’s office called and explained that the ultrasound tech had called in sick – we’d need to reschedule the appointment. Everyone was understandably bummed out. I was quietly bummed out in my own way, but I didn’t know just how much until all the kids left for school (including the 13 yr old, who was VERY glad she had done all her homework last night!!). As soon as it was quiet, I looked around and saw ALL that needed to be done in my house…the dishes…the laundry…the general straightening. No food in the cupboards…books to be returned to the library. I had hoped to have an exciting morning, and now it was back to ordinary. Not just ordinary, but nigh-on unenjoyable. I crawled back into bed and slept for two hours.
When I woke up, it was late morning and I was starving. I was also upset with myself for wasting so much precious time. I showered and tried to snap out of my funk. I ran some necessary errands, then picked up my son from school (the girls had homework club). When we got home, I set to getting the house is some order. I also made sure to open all the blinds and let in the beautiful, blessed Spring sunshine. My spirits seemed to lighten. The rest of the kids came home, and I set them to work, too. Surprisingly, I didn’t get too much grief from any of them. They did their chores, worked hard, got along nicely. I really felt a peace come over me.
I sat down to read a book from the library, right after formulating a plan for dinner. The breeze came through the windows while I was sitting on the couch, and I felt good. Later I put some chicken on the bbq and sent my 10 yr old to go mow the front lawn. I felt so “with it,” I could hardly stand myself. 🙂 My husband came home from work, and we had a great family dinner. Since he was on a late shift, my husband needed to go back to work after dinner. The kids played outside until the sun started to set, all the while I read my book on the couch.
I’m not sure when exactly my mood changed. I think it was sometime around trying to get the kids to bed. I feel so tired at the end of the day, and some days it hits me harder than others. I feel so overwhelmingly responsible for things at home. I mean, EVERYthing. I don’t want to rant – it’s not fair to my family to broadcast all their foibles. These are things we need to take care of on our own – but I don’t feel I’m uncommon in the fact that I often need to fight hard to get a little help around here. Sometimes I’m up to that fight, but tonight I just got sad at the need to fight at all (and when I say “fight,” I don’t mean yelling…I just mean the general waving of white flags and banners and SOS signs, the high-five wave that means “I’m drowning here – does anyone care?”). My husband came home, the kids finally went to bed, and I went to get groceries.
And I had the funniest moment at the grocery store. I was in the produce section and thought to myself, “I wonder if anyone would mind if I just sat on the floor and fell asleep?” It was something about the easy music over the PA system, the fake thunder rumbling as the sprinkler turned on over the produce, the humming of all the refrigerators and bright flourescent lights. It felt so calming and just so EASY. And they’d have their own staff to put things back on shelves and sweep the floors.
So a day that started with bad news turned into a string of several strong, peaceful moments, and ended with me wanted to camp at my neighborhood Safeway. I wonder what tomorrow is going to be like?